Respite: The Bigger Picture

Why is it that social workers don’t always see the big picture? Yes I know that therapy is very important when a child has had a traumatic experience and that the welfare and well-being of the child is paramount. But what about the parents? Why is the heart of every family (the parents) so often forgotten and left neglected, yet high expectations are placed upon them/us? We do matter and it is about time that our well-being wasn’t taken for granted. We are hanging on by a thread at times, but we are still hanging on!

Being a parent is never an easy job, I know I second guess myself all the time. I look at different ways I could have handled certain situations differently. Spending a lot of time reflecting (crying in the bathroom) and coming up with different strategies with the hope that it will work better. After all, is this not just part of parenting? But believe me parenting adopted children is very different. The challenges that face us every day can only, at times, be described as a Stephen King novel.

Yes that’s true, or failing that it can be a complete Hammer House of Horror. I am not saying that we regret our decision to adopt, but were we prepared? Never! The help that social workers provide can be non-existent or worse totally inappropriate, and trust me we have had some dreadful advice. My husband and I have been in the headteacher's office at school so often, we now have season tickets! And all social workers can say is it’s “because they have attachment issues due to them being in care”.

I realise that there are many differing views within literature to explain how children learn; this is due to the complexities of the cognitive process.  However, developmental scientists have come up with many assumptions about the psychological process, which they view as a critical element of human behaviour. According to attachment theorists Bowlby and Ainsworth, attachment impacts children’s early cognitive development through the parent-child relationship, which they adapt throughout their own life. However social services’ expectations are extremely high on adopters. I think the worst bit is that they rely on adopted children having attachment issues, thus avoiding looking at the bigger picture.

As adoptive parents we are told that it is essential that we create safe environments and firm boundaries are established, this helps influence positive attachments. Furthermore, Bowlby also shared Freud’s’ ideology about the attribution of children’s behaviour and mental health problems, where environmental factors can influence positive behaviour and transference of attachment. Both our children have issues yes, but I am not completely sure that some or all of the behaviour that they display are prototypes of  pre-existing attachment. I do worry more about our mental state of mind than I do attachment (not that I’m saying this should be overlooked, it shouldn’t), as it is the parents that keep the family together.

However, what literature seemingly overlooks is the experiences of adoptive parents. It is at times very hard to overlook behaviour when you are being subjected to volatile outbursts and daily chaos. Daily visits to the headteachers office can also prove challenging. One behavioural policy does not fit every child, particularly if that child has had a traumatic early life experience. But does this mean that your adopted child is not attached to you? Some parents I have talked to have experienced similar problems, yet there is no mention of attachment difficulties, as they gave birth to their children and attachment is not seemingly looked at as an issue.

Consequently, I struggle with some areas of attachment and how psychotherapy still looks at early bonds between parent and child. Accordingly therapist's can view that children who are unable to “organise” their behaviour can have difficulties regulating their emotions, this can have a negative impact in with the family home. Yet, does this mean that they are demonstrating prototypes of insecure attachment? And why aren’t parents given the opportunity of respite? Surely social services need to start looking at the bigger picture in order to keep these families together.

Our 10 year old son was assessed due to his “unorganised” behaviour and we were told that he was demonstrating anxious and avoidant attachment styles. However, there are limitations to pre-existing attachment ideologies. Based upon Bowlby and Ainsworth theories of how infant’s display distress when their primary caregiver leaves the room can show how securely attached the infant is. But, this theory is based on the infant-parent relationship and not children who have the ability to understand different situations.

Conversely, our 10 year old son is more able to understand and be reasoned with. I would worry that when telling him we were going to leave the room for a few minutes so the therapist could talk to him, he became distressed and started screaming like an infant. Let’s face it for the last 6 years he has got used to us dropping him off at school and he is secure enough to know that we will pick him at the end of the day. He does not demonstrate avoidant or anxious behaviour when we pick him up, he is secure enough to know that we will be there for him. Even Bowlby suggests that observations between how a child and caregiver interact should be a focus point when looking at different attachment styles. Surely the focus should be on the relationship between the child and the parents, rather than basing ideologies of attachment on pre-existing prototypes, where world exposure can lead to differing experiences, particularly as a child grows more independent and no longer shows signs of stress when the primary caregiver leaves. We should not misinterpret a child’s actions or interactions and make assumptions about their behaviour without first looking at the cause and their own perspective on the event or what led up to it.

Whilst we accept that our son does show problematic behaviour, we put in place well organised scaffolding which is helping him to respond more appropriately. This results in two very tired parents. When I was called into school his class teacher was amazed at my approach and once finished she said that this must be very wearing every day, unpicking events of the day to find the cause of the behaviour. The answer is YES IT’S KNACKERING!

It was in a recent review meeting that my husband dared to mention the word “respite”. Due to our son’s behaviour we very rarely (if ever) go out together on our own. So days can be very long and arduous. Our therapist was also present at the meeting and was very vocal about how social services’ actions can not only let the child down but also the parents, who are often overlooked. I bring you back to my first point, adopted parents are the heart of the family, we keep it together even when we think we are failing. Adoptive parents desperately need respite yet very rarely (if at all) receive it. This can lead to the break down in a placement and who benefits then?

Social Services need to look at the bigger picture, to take a holistic view. They cannot sit and merely talk about therapy for the child/children. How can this support their life skills or the adoptive parents? My son recently laid down in the middle of the road when he was with some friends. We had just moved and we were invited to a party. Because there was a lot of children at the party, some aged 14 and above, we let both our children go to the field with the rest of them, the field being only two doors down. This was a huge decision for both of us, but we felt that him staying whilst the other children went without him would not help his social skills or be beneficial to him or us. So you can imagine our horror when there was a knock on the door a few weeks later. There stood our neighbours telling us about how he had freaked out their children and the others by laying down in the middle of the road, for a laugh to see if a car would run over him! It was like opening your front door and that person slapping your face. Not their fault, but when you think things went well it is horrifying to learn that they didn’t.

I have to acknowledge that my husband and I cannot guide and be with him for the rest of his life, but how does he learn important life skills if we are with him all the time? We did manage to secure some Adoption Support Fund money, but our social worker seemed fixated on only using it for sit-down therapy.

Our therapist was more progressive, acutely tuned in to the need for parental respite in order to ensure that the family stayed together.

So I looked at places where he could explore his limits in a controlled environment. An outward-bound-type arrangement would give him time to explore his abilities and limitations and us some badly needed respite. But if social services will not look at this option, then he won’t learn these crucial skills and as for my husband and I, we will continue to pick up the pieces the best way we can. There is no getting away from the fact that our son’s behaviour takes its toll on our relationship and our emotional state of mind. Social workers never seem, in our experience, to place any value on the emotional well being of the parents, happy instead to let them struggle and ponder later why families fall apart.

Why can’t Social Services see that children who have been through the care system are more likely to demonstrate emotional and behavioural problems, which can be viewed as prototypes of pre-existing attachment styles? Yet what it can also be is that they have missed out on some early development. Therefore their brains have not made the appropriate connections and their behaviour is a coping mechanism. Due to this it is crucial that adoptive parents get the help they need, even if this means respite. Yet you would think that social workers view respite as a dirty word.

Social workers cannot just sit in a Disruption to Placement meeting without being accountable for not responding to adoptive parents pleas for respite, or can they?

While social services still buries its head in the sand and never really looks at these worn out and emotionally deprived adoptive parents, the outcomes of adoptive placements will always be held in a balance. Where lives of the adopted children and adoptive parents are being torn apart and society will have to be responsible for more delinquent behaviour in adolescence. As these children are returned to the care system and let loose into society at the age of 18, adopters find that a once strong marriage or partnership is left in tatters. Surely social services are letting down all parties involved as well as society as a whole?

Adoption Uk states; “Respite care was often used as a last ditch attempt to keep the family together and was rarely used proactively. Adoptive parents were using the police as a support agency.”

Clear, well thought out plans need to be put in place prior to any placement, however adopters are still being let down from the very beginning. If your plans were anything like ours then much promised therapeutic support and associated interventions never materialised. But strong strategies of what therapy the child may/will need in the placement as well as what therapy/support the adoptive parents will need and arrangements for respite should be a legal requirement.

This should be promount before any placement even starts. Things need to change to ensure that this happens.

Why can’t social services and the government see the bigger picture and help the children and adoptive parents in all areas, including respite? The way funding is allocated and spent needs to be changed - not tomorrow, but now!

Links

• http://www.first4adoption.org.uk/adoption-support/financial-support/adoption-support-fund/
• https://www.theguardian.com/social-care-network/
• https://www.adoptionuk.org/beyond-adoption-order-summary
• http://www.familylawweek.co.uk/
• http://www.communitycare.co.uk/..../two-thirds-of-adopters-never-told-about-adoption-support/

Why can’t all LA’s think like this one?

• http://www.pac-uk.org/..../Marie-Higgins-Essex-CC-Presentation-for-PAC-UK-Conference-2016
• http://www.telegraph.co.uk/..../Adopt-a-child-and-jump-the-school-admission-queue-Government-tells-parents
• http://www.coram.org.uk/news/new-adoption-support-fund-available-today

Reading

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Cant-My-Child-Behave-Parenting-Strategies